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Hey Girl Hey! 

I'm Javonne Crumby, creator of Lesbionyx-- A space for queer women of color. As a Black woman who loves women, I grew tired of the lack of representation and resources for women like me. So I created a platform for us and by us, because no one tells our stories like us! 

The Fat Girl's Guide to F*****g (NSFW)

The Fat Girl's Guide to F*****g (NSFW)

Lead image: Simone Mariposa courtesy Pinterest

Hey Lovers! I´m finally in a space to write freely and honestly about something that has been a challenge for me,  fucking while fat! There... I said it (well, I wrote it and that counts). Let's get a couple of things straight: 1) I ain't. 2) I am unapologetically fat and that is a lot of work. It was a whole lot to embrace a body that is almost twice as large as it was at my peak. My body has changed due to life, it has produced beautiful humans and it has weathered endometriosis and is currently 10 years into a battle with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. This body has run, cheered, swam, volleyed, and hooped. Embracing this body meant breaking a whole lot of agreements that I made with society, my family, lovers, and friends, including the idea that when I was smaller I was at my peak (I wasn't. I was in probably the worst physical and mental health of my life, but we'll cover that in another space and time). Crossing the threshold from acceptance to appreciation hasn't been without it's challenges and it's been totally worth it. Here are some things I learned along the way. May they help you on your journey to having good sex at any size!

1. D-I-Y (DO IT YOURSELF)

 Simone Mariposa in  The Naked Series  photo credit Taylor Giavasis

Simone Mariposa in The Naked Series photo credit Taylor Giavasis

You gotta fuck with yourself heavily. You gotta date yourself, bathe your self luxuriously, oil your skin, put on a full face (or not), wear that sexy lingerie, take nudes, and touch yourself before you do that for anybody else. Get and be naked with yourself. Own your sexiness and power. You literally need to get in touch with your star player and figure out what works for you. Do you like clitoral stimulation? Vaginal stimulation? Suction or friction? Grab yourself some lube and toys and experiment. Masturbation is self love and self care.

2. Own Your Sexy

 Still from Black Panties Web Series

Still from Black Panties Web Series

You are worthy of sex, good damn sex and size/weight is not determining factor for that. Write that down on some Post-Its and place them where you can see them and be reminded regularly. A couple of years ago I finally binge-watched The L Word and I can remember feeling kind of empty and disappointed when it ended.  I was sad really because although it was a show about about lesbians featuring a lead who was a woman of color, I couldn't connect or relate to most of the women featured. I was so happy when they finally had a less racially ambiguous black lesbian, but even then all of the taut, toned and small frames taunted me.  Most of what I've seen in lesbian and queer culture is centered around smaller and mostly white women. That has a way of making me feel undesirable. However, I have done a lot of work around loving myself and I realize that I am not everybody's cup of tea, but I am somebody's double shot of tequila! There are plenty of women who will love all of my/your body in a non-fetishized way when we are confident in our own sexiness. Whether it's the "my ass looks good in these" jeans, a signature confidence-boosting scent, affirmations celebrating the thing that makes us feel sexy, drawing power from that and basking in it will do wonders for the sex life. Connect with feeling in yourself and know that you are a sexy bitch!

3. Tops & Bottoms

Ok, now that I have your attention... I don't mean it that way. What I mean is know your top line and your bottom line priorities. Meaning the things you will do (top) and won't do (bottom). Things like I will NEVER have sex with someone who makes jokes or speaks negatively about my body. Or, I will always be upfront about my healthy boundaries, kinks, and fetishes. I will not have sex to prove myself or my worth. Do not be afraid to turn down people you thought you want to fuck, if you find out they are creeps. Equally do not be afraid to approach people you think you'd like to fuck because they are out of your league. If 2017 taught us nothing, hopefully we all left with a full understanding that for now we only have this one life we know of ... Shoot your shot!

4. Ready. Set, Do It!

Now that you have put in some me time and you are comfortable in your body, time to get down to business and by business, I mean Doin’ It! Whether your style is mild or wild, perform for yourself and your lover at the level that is comfortable for you. Sis, do not pull a hammie trying to do acrobatics to impress yourself or your lover. While I encourage gently challenging yourself, by pushing your body and exploring its range, I say stop the moment you find discomfort or pain. Seriously do not try to “push through” that shit. Modify and adjust according to your own bad ass needs. You are not stronger or more of a badass for deprioritizing your own sexual pleasure to counterbalance being fat. You are fat and that is perfectly fine, you knew and she knew what you were getting into, relax in to it.

“You are not stronger or more of a badass for deprioritizing your own sexual pleasure to counterbalance being fat.”

5. Let Her Love You

Let your guard down, let her grip all of your hips, ass, and more than hand-full of breasts. Allow her the pleasure of bringing you pleasure. Do not shy away when she wants to rub on your rolls. And mostly importantly do not turn down opportunities to receive the pleasure you desire and deserve. Own your fat, don't let it own you. Do not let it be the centerpiece of getting busy. Avoid the the tendency to make excuses and avoid contact or certain positions "because I'm fat." If she asked you get on top or ride her face, trust that she can handle it and so can you. Practice the positions, have fun with it. Allow yourself to be free in your fat body and use it in every way imaginable to bring yourself sexual gratification.

Ultimately, while I am dispensing all this sage advice to you, it’s really for me. Getting comfortable in my body and being willing to climb on top isn’t always easy and sometimes I have to coach and cheerlead myself into the lovin’ I want. So ladies, let’s take off our big girl panties and get it on!
 

The Sex Ed Talk You Didn't Get in School for Queer Sistas of Color

[Quiz] Uncover Your Bedroom Personality

[Quiz] Uncover Your Bedroom Personality