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Hey Girl Hey! 

I'm Javonne Crumby, creator of Lesbionyx-- A space for queer women of color. As a Black woman who loves women, I grew tired of the lack of representation and resources for women like me. So I created a platform for us and by us, because no one tells our stories like us! 

Why I Quit Online Dating

Why I Quit Online Dating

In 2018 the idea of online dating isn’t as taboo as it was in the past. If you’re anything like me, you lead a busy life that doesn’t really afford you many opportunities to meet a potential boo IRL. Factor in our considerably smaller dating pool than straight folks, and it becomes even harder to meet someone “the old-fashioned way.” So what’s a queer girl to do? Get online! Only here’s the problem… it’s HARD!

I’ll be real with you, online dating was my go-to from ages 18 to uhm … 25 (I’m still 25). It was especially crucial when I was still trying to make sense of my sexuality. Getting to know girls was far more interesting than having a conversation with guys (the whole “send me a pic” BS got old real fast!) The sappio in me lives for deep conversation and that seemed to flow naturally with other women.

I’ve had my fair share of accounts over the last 7 years: POF, Ok Cupid, HER, Tinder you name it! I’ve also gone on my fair share of dates from these sites (spoiler alert: most of them I didn’t see a second time). I have always been open to meeting up with the women I met online. Some turned into relationships and others turned into friendships.

Yet, what I have found lately is a variety of things that turn me off from online dating altogether.

1. People Don’t Want to Talk

I doubt it’s just me (lord, I hope it’s not just me) but it seems like 80% of the people I reach out to don’t respond. This is especially true for Tinder and HER! My so-called “matches” hardly ever write back. I’m not the type to send a “hey” message because that takes zero effort. I bring up things mentioned in their profile (music, movies, and hobbies) or places they are in their photos, you know… a conversation starter! Nothing. I don’t dwell on not hearing back, but it makes me wonder where society is headed when they can’t even socialize on social media.

 

2. It’s Superficial AF!

I’ve only had this epiphany as of late, but it’s become so blatantly clear that people value looks over personality. This is coming from someone who would rate herself a solid 7/10. I’ve noticed a lot of dating apps have copied Tinder’s “swiping” method to find matches. This process of judging someone based on photos is really shallow. Granted, being online no one is going to waste time chatting with a faceless profile, but just think of all the potential matches we could be missing out on just because they don’t fit our “type.”

 

3. It’s An Ego Booster

Sometimes I want to be spoken to first, as always making the first “move” gets old. That cheesy smile I would get when “it’s a match!” flashed on my screen while swiping was fun. But after not hearing from 80% of my matches it makes me think people are just using the app as an ego booster. That little dopamine hit of getting a match, is the same as getting a like on Instagram or a retweet on Twitter. I don’t doubt that people use dating apps like Tinder to validate their good looks. I imagine them on the other side of the screen smirking like “yup! I still got it!”

 

4. They Can’t Hold A Conversation

Did I mention, I live for deep conversation? I know. What the hell am I doing online then, right? Here’s the thing though, I’ve engaged in deep conversations with people online before. Sometimes there’s a spark and the convo isn’t forced. However, the majority of the conversations I do end up having fizzle out quickly. You can tell things are at a stalemate when it turns into:

 

You: Enough about my day. Tell me about yours!

Them: It was good.

You: Yeah, what happened?

Them: Nothing really.

You: Oh

Them: Yeah

 

5. They Move Too Fast!

Like I mentioned before, I’m open to meeting people I meet online but when people jump the gun, it seems desperate. I once talked to a girl who asked if I wanted to meet up with her the SAME DAY we started talking! Slow your roll! I still want to figure out more about you before rushing into meeting up or exchanging numbers for that matter. This “gotta have it now” culture is too much for me.

I’m not here to shit on online dating. Sometimes it works for people, sometimes it doesn’t. I think at this point in my life I just want something more organic. I know meeting a potential boo in person is still possible. After knocking out this last semester of undergrad, I know every decision I make will bring me one step closer to meeting my future wife. Perhaps its cheesy thoughts like this that account for my singlehood. ;)

 

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