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I'm Javonne Crumby, creator of Lesbionyx-- A space for queer women of color. As a Black woman who loves women, I grew tired of the lack of representation and resources for women like me. So I created a platform for us and by us, because no one tells our stories like us! 

To Cuff or Not to Cuff: Is Cuffing Season is Right for You?

To Cuff or Not to Cuff: Is Cuffing Season is Right for You?

It’s fall, y’all! The temperatures have dropped. The air is crisp. The sun is setting sooner. The foliage is poppin’! My fall wardrobe is on max display. Accordingly, I am debating going back on dating apps. Yes, it’s cuffing season. The need to find someone to settle into the cozy season with is strong!

Two months ago I told someone I’d been on a few dates with that I needed time to settle myself in my new city and needed to be alone to do so. I truly meant that. Now, I am suddenly sure I need to download some dating apps and find a boo thang quick! In reality, I know this is a terrible decision. So anxiety be damned, this year, I’m skipping cuffing season.

 via giphy

via giphy

My love language is a tie between quality time and physical touch. I have told partners in the past this basically means just cuddle with me and I’ll be happy. There’s no better time to snuggle than when the weather gets chilly. Cuffing season calls to a very primal part of us. ‘It’s getting cold. Winter is coming! You won’t make it alone!’ Your survival is based on your ability to select the right human and the right blanket—or at least that’s how it starts to feel to me.

 via giphy

via giphy

Typically it goes down like this: I get all caught up in my head about cuffing season and realize I need to start dating immediately. I download a dating app. OkCupid is my usual go to. I update my profile, add a new photo or two and get started. I have my search defaulted to show all non-white queers. I don’t know if it’s just me, but OKC doesn’t like to show me matches with other QPOC. I spend A LOT of time reading people’s profiles and getting excited about the possibilities. I don’t like to chat for long on the site and usually ask people out for a drink or a more planned out date if the conversation was good and chemistry seems imminent.


A couple of dates is all it takes for me to know if this will be worth exploring further. My gut has never lead me astray when it comes to meeting people. However, I sometimes ignore my gut, even if the person seemed to raise some red flags. Maybe they used problematic language, maybe the sex was less than average, but there’s still potential, right? Lots of great love stories start with drama and misunderstandings, right? Wrong!

Once I get to this point, I become unsure of how to proceed. I’ll usually stick it out a few more dates with a person until the inevitable sets in. I become very contrarian. Instead of just admitting to the person that I don’t think it’s going to work out long term, I just disagree with everything they say. It’s an obnoxious habit that I promise I am working on! I once turned down a date idea because I claimed I didn’t like museums. I love museums! However, I didn’t want to go to a museum with that person. I just wasn’t brave enough to say so.

 via giphy

via giphy

Getting into difficult or disappointing dating situations and not knowing how to get out of them quickly, is the best way to describe my dating life. Especially when I let a little loneliness get the best of me. This year, I don’t have the energy to go through this process. A few weeks ago I told a friend I was feeling really comfortable with being single and I was really happy with this feeling.

Could a stroll down a leaf lined sidewalk in a cute pair of boots really change my mind? I am focused and driven to achieve a few more things before this year is over, and I think it’s best to place my focus there. So, I’m skipping cuffing season 2018. If you’re feeling pressure to quickly find someone before the first snowfall, feel free to skip it too!

 via giphy

via giphy

Here are some questions to ask yourself before making a final push this cuffing season:

  1. What are you really looking for?

    Are you looking for a hookup? Casual dating? A long-term relationship? Marriage? Your answer to this question should help decide if cuffing season is for you. If you’re looking for a hookup or something casual, why not just shoot some shots?! Lots of people are looking and there’s a good chance you will find someone else looking for something casual. If you are looking for something more serious, then rushing to find someone may not work out for long term potential.

2. Can your cuddle needs be met elsewhere?

It’s okay if you need a little extra affection! I have friends who I will ask for extra cuddles. I have a friend who is the best snuggle buddy ever and I’ve threatened to steal him from his boyfriend on more than a few occasions! I’ve also had a set up with a regular cuddle buddy in the past. We reach out when we need to cuddle. We would meet at their place and engage in non-sexual cuddling. Then after we would process! It was great!

3. Can your sexy needs be met elsewhere?

This could be a casual hookup. This could be a friend or ex that it’s okay to send that ‘wyd’ text to. Just be sure to communicate upfront what you’re looking for. If you’re not up for that, then add some spice to your solo sex play! Get a new toy (the cheap one on amazon that Buzzfeed keeps writing about), try a different lube, invest in feminist porn! I highly recommend crashpadseries.com for it’s great diversity and the production company is run by a queer woman of color.


Just like all the years prior, I’ll get through cuffing season on my own and I’ll be fine. And if you’ve decided that you are up for cuffing season, bring your A-game, get out your best fall looks, and turn that charm up to 10! There’s still plenty of season left!

 via giphy

via giphy










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