Asking For A Friend: Do We Go Together or Nah?
Malaika, Help me! Seriously, please help me understand what the deal is with labels and “lesbians”?
I mean if we are engaging in couple activities, but have not said we go together, are we girlfriends, partners, lovers, or nah? Is this a conversation that must be had or is this just understood? I’m just trying to make sense of it.
Dear Are We, Aren’t We?
First, second and third of all, I hear you and I totally understand! Also, let me just say, this behavior is not exclusive to the LGBTIA+ community. It's not just lesbians who don’t like to use labels or relationship descriptors. So unless you have a conversation and have made an agreement with the person who you are intimately engaging with (emotionally and/or physically) nothing is just “understood.” Seriously, for there to be an understanding there must be explicit communication. DO NOT leave anything unsaid that should be said!
Love, here are some things to consider:
What are your ideas about relationships?
A good place to start the communication is with the simplest questions of all, “What are you looking for in a relationship?” And, “What does that mean?” These two simple questions can help you avoid a lot of ambiguity by cutting straight to the chase. This allows you both to be able to say what you want and what that means so everybody is clear. From this clean and clear communication, you can both decide if you are indeed on the same page, in the same book.
Beware of the person who says, “I don’t want a relationship right now.”
While it seems honest and it appears they are operating with integrity, this is a really shitty way to frame a situationship. This is the breeding ground for FWB and possible conflicts. Because while that statement is a clear indication that they desire to be single at this time, there is also clearly a loophole in the sentiment “right now.” "Right now" leaves room for the interpretation that maybe, possibly someday, in the future they would like to be in a relationship and maybe, possibly, probably with you. That is unclear as Kool-Aid. That could mean anything from: "I just want to smash" to "I am incapable at this time of sustaining a relationship because I have hella interpersonal work to do." Either way, this sentiment will likely leave you with the question, “what does that mean?” Refer to the previous statement on clarity. Clean and clear communication rules the nation… or at the very least fosters healthy interactions.
Self Care, Self Love, and Self Examination ALL begin with you.
Is this a pattern? Do you seem to get stuck in situationships, often or repeatedly? Does it seem like you attract people who have commitment issues? If you answered yes to any or all of the questions, it’s time to take a look at yourself. Fear not Love, you can have what you are seeking. By examining yourself, you will become aware of what drives you. Are you looking for emotional intimacy? Physical intimacy? Companionship? Intimate, non-sexual friendship? Why? By getting clear on what you want and why, you totally begin to attract what you seek and not settle when it’s not happening. You will find when you are super clear on those things, you will not entertain what does not align with your desires. When you no longer have folks taking up that space and quit expending energy bending and flexing to fit what you get, you will be open to getting what you really want.
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