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Hey Girl Hey! 

I'm Javonne Crumby, creator of Lesbionyx-- A space for queer women of color. As a Black woman who loves women, I grew tired of the lack of representation and resources for women like me. So I created a platform for us and by us, because no one tells our stories like us! 

Asking For A Friend: Why Can't I Have "The Big O"? [NSFW]

Asking For A Friend: Why Can't I Have "The Big O"? [NSFW]

Dear Malaika,

What does it mean when a person can only orgasm when watching porn? I’ve been using vibrators since I was in middle school & recently (last year) I stopped in an effort to lower my pleasure tolerance and distance myself from my vibratory "need". I recently experienced being able to orgasm without a vibrator and it was great! However, when I masturbate alone without watching porn I get no pleasure. When i’m having sex with someone, woman or man , I can’t orgasm. No matter how excellent the job is being executed or how good it feels, I can’t orgasm. After a while of pleasure & ALMOST reaching orgasm, but not, my clit starts to hurt and I’m just over it at that point. Am I broken? 

 

 Still of Issa from  Insecure

Still of Issa from Insecure

 

Dear NOT Broken Pussy,

Thanks for having the courage to ask. Not reaching orgasm without external stimuli or with a partner are things that happen. Actually, the latter is a thing that happens a lot. FACTS. So, we can dispense any thoughts of brokenness There is a lot here in your question to be unpacked.

First, if you can only orgasm when watching pornography, you might want to consider what about porn stimulates you? What do you watch, why do you watch? Those will both tie into how arousal happens in your body. Additionally, you say that you have been using vibrators since middle school, psychologically I would be curious about the impact of that kind of sexualization at that age versus exploring your own body with your own hands and fingers. Furthermore, did you begin using the vibrator and watching porn simultaneously? Those are just a couple of things I suggest thinking about. I would also suggest working with a sex therapist to really get up under how you were sexualized, any sexual traumas, and the connections between your sexual, mental, and emotional health.


Which, leads me to my second point. You have already acknowledged that you have stopped using the vibrator to lower your pleasure tolerance and decrease your vibe-dependency. Contrary to the widely held belief, you CANNOT desensitize the clitoris from excessive masturbation (and excessive is a subjective term). However, if you are considering that you may want to connect differently with your love button, I totally get it. Sometimes, it’s hard for somebody else to get the job done because we know our bodies so well that it can feel foreign… Good! But foreign nonetheless. I think masturbation is one of the best, if not the best way to way to explore, find your pleasure centers and know what stimulates you. Since you are able to reach the Big O through masturbation, you might consider playing show and tell with your partner. Teach them through verbal and non-verbal cues what really gets you going.

I would also suggest taking a from porn as well. Take your mind off the external stimulation and internalize the stimuli to really bring everything back into your body. I’m by no means an expert in Tantra, but I have learned to apply the Art of Zen to many aspects of my life, including sexual intimacy. Yep, Mindful Sex. In that way I have been able to focus on what is happening to my body, in my body, and my body’s responses. By focusing on those things, I have reconnected to my body and had more pleasurable sexual experiences.

As far as sex toys, while you are off the vibe, I suggest something less mechanical to assist you with incorporating some loving and therapeutic touch. Consider a crystal wand dildo. Yep, the same crystals that you use for healing, creating harmony, and blocking energies. Get more info here.

 

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To my third and final point I continue to echo the sentiment about bringing everything back into your body. I think sexual encounters start in the head. So, I’m going to suggest you focus on your mind and thoughts. What are your ideas about sex and sexual intimacy? What type of expectations are you putting on yourself and your sexual partner(s)? Try suspending those expectations and again just be present in the moment. Experiencing that tiny spark of electricity of lips meeting for a kiss, the intimate power of skin to skin contact, or the warmth and moisture of a tongue in just the right curve or stretch of skin. Play with just doing one thing at a time and feeling it fully, building the arousal. Finally, as you explore your body and determine what your erogenous zones are, use your voice to speak up and share with you partner where you like it and how you like it. This is intimate space. You are both naked and vulnerable and it could be awkward or even embarrassing, but you both have a lot to gain from exploring and experimenting together with positions, motions, and toys. This is all an opportunity for you to further explore your ideas about sex and sexuality. You are powerful harness and use your sexual powers. Remember, above all you are not broken!

You’ve always had the power...
— Glinda The Good Witch, The Wizard of OZ
 Photo Credit:  xoNecole

Photo Credit: xoNecole

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