Asking For A Friend: Teach Me How To Cheat Better...
Note from the editor: The following letter is a submission from one of our readers. There are some word choices that may indicate racial insensitivity. While we encourage readers from all backgrounds at Lesbionyx, we would like to encourage those who are not queer women of color to be respectful of this space created.
"My question is actually where to draw the line when you are married and also having a lez relationship on the side discreetly. I am a Caucasian woman involved in a relationship with a beautiful brown girl. We are both married, but we both have had lez experiences in the past, so it didn't take too long for us to connect. :) Sure, it is not easy for us to meet on a regular basis, but we have been successful for the past few months to keep things under wraps and enjoy each other’s company. We have our own fantasies and fetishes and sometimes try to push the envelope a little bit, so to speak ;) What are some of the things we can do to keep the flame burning without arousing suspicions unnecessarily? Really appreciate your insight!
Luv ya! [name redacted]
P.S (I'm a big fan of Lesbionyx! yeah, you have some white fans too! :)) "
Dear Ms. Lady Ma’am,
First, second, and third of all where you draw the line is right before you and your equally married friend begin having an illicit affair. Seriously, I am a fan of poly lifestyles when done right and this is not it! The fact that are you are meeting “discreetly," are“keep things under wraps” and asking for advice to, “keep the flame burning without arousing suspicions unnecessarily” is a key indicator that all the parties involved in this encounter not informed and Ms. Lady Ma’am is messy. I practice ethical non-monogamy and I’m going to suggest you start by reading this and hopefully gain better understanding of your drives and what you could be doing differently to create a healthy space for sex and love. (hint: start with honesty)
Now, let’s talk about the 2nd left you made… You are a “Caucasian woman involved in a relationship with a beautiful brown girl.” Ms. Lady Ma’am are you a pedophile? Do we need to contact Chris Hansen? If you are a woman, involved with a girl somebody needs to be informed. I mean I’m not here to police your morality, just to offer advice based on the information provided. I do however draw the line at illegal activities. What’s more is that if you are involved with another adult woman of any color/ethnicity/nationality/culture, your use of descriptors are problematic as fuck! You are a woman, but she is a girl. If that is how you see your secret lover, then you are certainly operating from a space of power and privilege; so much so that you thought it was a good idea to seek my counsel on how to help you cheat better with someone you don’t even see as an equal. I don’t know if this is part of your fantasy, it certainly sounds like racial fetishism. I cannot in good conscious co-sign this. See, the way my ancestors are set up… nevermind, this is just a no. If you have called her your “beautiful brown girl” and she hasn’t corrected you, please have sis reach out to us so we can tell her when and where we are holding the next caucus. Sign her up for “How To Tell if The White Friend Your Screwing Secretly Behind Your Spouses’ Back is an Ally or Festishist” sessions. Don’t worry, we’ll wait.
Finally, to turn the corner and circle back to my much-appreciated insights, it is unwise to continue your current course of action for the reasons previously stated, i.e it is messy and problematic.
Additionally, while I appreciate your support of Lesbionyx, I am clear that we are a space for Queer Women of Color. I am vigilant about cultivating and keeping this space safe for us to move around. Additionally, I have no doubt that we "have some white fans too." It has been my experience that you often encroach upon spaces that are not designated for you. I highly suggest taking some time to consider this as you engage with us. This is our home and you are a guest, conduct yourself accordingly.
Do you have an anonymous question you for Malaika? Submit your question here and it may be featured in the next Asking For A Friend!